The Zombie apocalypse or Never trust anyone under 30
I was in a video game store today (yeah I know I’m way too old to patronize such an establishment) and 2 late teens were deep in discussion and debate. The issue at hand was the supposed upcoming zombie overthrow. If you know anyone between 12 and 20 they will give you all the in depth details. As I listened in on my slightly post pubescent pundits rant and ramble on about the proper way to protect oneself while being attacked by the undead/virus infected; an amazing thought came over me. If such an undead/virus infected revolution were to occur, they and all their likes would be as useless as the old men say, “tits on a bull”. I hate to sound like one of the afore mentioned old men but. kids today don’t know how to do shit. The average teen can’t put the chain back on his bike when it comes of the sprocket, but somehow they believe they will have the foresight and skill to collect and assemble amazing machines of destruction. One of the kids said he would put 2 chainsaws on a kayak paddle and cut his way to safety. As the owner of several chainsaws I thought, “Does this kid know what a 50 to 1 ratio is, or to open the clutch when it cold starts?”
While todays young people are technically more in the know than I can ever hope to be, in a zombie uprising; they would be nothing short of fodder for the older generation to throw to the brain hungry hordes. While most people over 30 can repair small engines, grow food, pour cement, and understand that a shotgun must be cleaned now and then after an undead killing spree; the 20 somethings would be cowering in fear wondering why there is no App for that, and if they can make their Facebook status “about to be eviscerated”. Bet no one will “Like” that. OK I feel myself about to start rambling, so let me just sum up. Teach the youngsters out there anything that you know how to do that doesn’t involve a screen of some kind. Show them how swinging a bat is harder than a Wii remote. Maybe even show them how to find AM radio (best place for news, weather, traffic, and zombie approach I assume). Because let’s be honest the more they know when the end comes the less running we will have to do, Because again to quote the old men, “I am to old for this shit.”
Things that are just good…
Playing “trucks” with little boys.
Peanut butter patty Girl Scout cookies.
Finding $10 in your pants pocket on laundry day.
Sleeping in on Sunday morning
Building something.
The way the grass looks right after you mow it.
The moment you discover how great you really are.
If anyone knows anyone with the IOC, pass this on
There are roughly 25 different Olympic events and between individual and team versions of some of the events; there are about 40. Of those 40, there are maybe 10 that the average person cares about. There is a reason they show gymnastics at 8 P.M., and Judo at 2 A.M.. The fact is that some of these events, while very difficult, are simply not something you should give someone a gold medal for doing. I mean who really roots for the horse in the equestrian or the guy shooting the trap (What is a trap anyway?). And on a strictly personal note, beach volleyball should only be play for barbecue and beer.
I have decided to contact the I.O.C with ideas on new events to consider for the upcoming 2012 Summer games
Dodgeball
Bull Riding
Noodling (Look it up, trust me)
Dodgeball
Tag & Freeze Tag
Skelly
Punchball
REAL Handball
Full Contact Karate
Double Dutch
Darts
Rugby
ANYTHING from Worlds Strongest Man competition
Just a random thought…Yeah I been drinking.
If I have learned anything in my life. It’s that I haven’t learned a damn thing at all. I have sat in the halls of higher learning, the circles of higher consciousness, and the temples of higher spirituality. All the while I have concluded that I should have just been somewhere the whole time, just getting high.
I spend all this time looking for some eternal all encompassing answer, and I never even knew what the real question was. But to some end that has brought me a great joy, because I think that the greater majority of the world has the same issue. We seem quite content with answering life’s problems, over and over. But never taking the time to ask “why” we needed an answer in the first place. But I guess that would be hard, because it’s the question that forces us to really look at ourselves, not the answer. It’s much easier to fry you hair, or get the fat sucked from you ass, or jot down some random thought on a website; than to question why you don’t like what’s in the mirror, or why you keep eating the jelly donuts, or why you find yourself wide awake @ 3 in the morning so often.
I’m highly doubtful that anyone will ever read a single word of this. It’s like my message in a bottle I suppose, and of course I have no idea why I need to slip the note in or toss the bottle in the first place. Don’t ask me. Remember I am the one who has never learned a thing.
I may join the Big Black Muscle Jesus Church. Because when you think about it, when you come face to face with Satan; skinny, long hair, hippie Jesus may not fill you with the same confidence.
You can thank the fine people at Troegs Brewing Co. for this one. Co. for this one.
1. You need to wear a seat belt anytime you’re in a car. You or the people driving are both excellent drivers. Just don’t go staking your life on the fact the guy running the red light is of the same ability. It may be uncomfortable, but being mangled in a wreck can’t be that great either.
2. Give someone a real hug every chance you get. You know the kind that makes you both feel better afterwards.
3. Fall in love in New York. You can immediately get on the first thing out of town afterwards, but trust me when I say that there is nothing like falling in love with someone on a warm Autumn night in Manhattan. Years from now I promise you will thank me.
4. Pay for the DVR, it’s simple and now you can go out and make some real friends while it records your pretend ones on TV. You will also be shocked how much better your life is when you can go through it commercial free, suddenly you’re not to fat, your car and hair are just fine, and you always seem to have $19.95 extra at weeks end.
5. Go to an observatory at least once. If you are not completely moved by what the sky looks like on a clear night, you my friend are dead inside. Like the N.Y. thing, you will thank me later.
6. Enjoy the time you have. You are a wonderfully unique piece of happenstance that unfortunately will not be here forever, so use that time to create the most wonderful memories you can.
7. Read the obituary column when you’re feeling down on your life. There are 12 people right there who would trade places with you in a second.
8. Buy a good beer, and sip it slowly. Let the complexity, fragrance, and flavor roll over you. If you taste none of this, it doesn’t matter because you’re getting drunk, so you win either way.
9. Spend the afternoon with a little kid. Somewhere between all the, “Why is the water green?”, “Where does the sun go at night?”, and “Can I have hammer?” ; they will say something so deep, poignant, mind bending; all the melted ice cream on your shoes will be completely worth it.
10. Stop reading non-sense rambling on the internet and program your DVR, get into your car, invite a friend to the observatory, give them a big hug, and if you really like them go to NY, fall in love and make each others life’s special. You’re welcome.
The only thing I will ever promise.
If I ever write anything like how I’m bored, had the worlds best ham sandwich, or a scrape by scrape recount of my last dentist appointment, I want someone to follow me in real life. Track me down like an animal, and hit me in the side of the head with the ball part of a ball peen hammer. Any time spent on the internet writing about how mundane your life is should always be rewarded with blunt force trauma. Admittedly if you are 14 and not a Somalian child soldier, the peak of your day may very well be that Uggs are 10% off at the mall. While exciting in certain circles, noting it on your favorite networking site is unnecessary. If in fact your days zenith moment is that your favorite indulgence has gone from ludicrously to just ridiculously over priced; and not the fact that you found a clean source of drinking water, just Tweet, 4 square, bookface, myspace, or whatever the online rambler of the month is, “Thank goodness, my life is incredible!” Thusly avoiding a run on the hand tool department of hardware store.
Oh and the promise I mentioned, I will only write when drinking. Scouts honor.
